How to Nurture Support for Infertility

There are many ways to nurture support for dealing with infertility grief. Do you know someone facing infertility? Are you walking the road of infertility and wanting to nurture support as you deal with the grief?

According to statistics about 1 in 6 women experience infertility. Even with it being this common, infertility can feel so isolating. There is a stigma around talking about infertility. It can be an extremely painful and difficult topic to communicate around. I am hoping to share my perspective on how to best nurture support for someone facing infertility. As well as how to communicate with your support system while facing infertility yourself.

The Importance of Nurturing Support for Infertility:

Over the years, we joyfully watch our friends and family move into this new phase of life, parenthood, while we are left with broken dreams and grief around growing our own family. Naturally this can feel very isolating as a couple. It becomes easy to pull away from relationships and end up on an island of grief. However, it is so important to keep a community of supportive friends and family that can be present for you during your journey.

As a woman that has faced infertility for nearly 12 years, I’ve learned how important it is to draw into supportive relationships. When you feel ready, it is healing to talk about your infertility and feelings of grief. Those that love and care for you, want to support you and be there for you. It’s important to communicate with them and let them in.

How Can Family and Friends Nurture Support for Infertility:

We have been blessed with some amazingly supportive friends and family. Their love and encouragement through this journey has filled us with gratitude and hope. Here are some of the things they often do that help us to heal and grieve in a healthy way.

• They Acknowledge Our Pain and Check In With Us: Many of those going through infertility suffer in silence. It is hard to describe and talk about the deep pain that comes from infertility. Let them know you’re thinking of them, praying for them, and that you’re so sorry for their pain. It’s amazing how comforting those simple gestures are to us!

• They Show Interest and Ask Questions: It is a hard topic for us to bring up, we often don’t want to make others uncomfortable or sad. But most of the time we do want to talk about it, it is healing to share. Asking us questions about how you can love and support us during this season or how we are feeling going through treatments gives us the opportunity to open up.

• They Simply Listen and Are Present: Let them know that you are available to listen. It is reassuring to know who is there to listen if we need to talk. Keep in mind that not every problem needs an immediate solution or unsolicited advice. Sometimes we just need someone to hear and listen to us. It is healing to talk about our journey and feel seen in our grief.

• They Send Encouragement: Sharing scripture, songs, or heartfelt messages can really help us feel seen and loved. Infertility grief is a cycle month after month, to year after year, the pain is always there. It is so uplifting and comforting to receive positive messages from others that simply let us know they are thinking of us and we are not forgotten in our pain.

• They Include Us: Infertility can already feel isolating in many ways but especially as you watch those around you move into a new phase of life, parenthood. It is easy to feel left behind and left out of this phase of life. Even though it can sometimes bring up the pain of what we’re missing, we want to be a part of this phase of life with you. We want to share in the ups and downs, the joys and struggles, and we want to celebrate the blessing your kids are.

A Few More Things for Friends and Family to Keep in Mind:

Be mindful of the language you use. Comments like: “Don’t worry you’ve got time” or “Just relax, it’ll happen” while they may seem well intentioned they tend to minimize the pain we are feeling and the struggles we have faced along this journey.

When someone is opening up and sharing their painful news of loss or miscarriage with you, this is not the time to recommend what they should be doing or trying during pregnancy. This often leaves us feeling as though you think the miscarriage was somehow preventable and our fault. Which just deepens the already painful emotions of grief and heartbreak.

Try not to offer unsolicited advice or use phrases that may unintentionally minimize our pain or experience. Try to simply listen with understanding and empathy. We may open up the conversation of looking for advice or things to try when the timing is right. However, most of the time we are overwhelmed and exhausted with everything we have already tried. It can be hard to hear the words ‘You should just try…’

Sometimes Hurt Still Happens:

Infertility creates deep emotional wounds, insecurities, and a revolving cycle of grief. Even the most well intentioned comments can trigger those emotions and insecurities to resurface.

While we never want our support systems to tip toe around what to say to us in moments of grief, we do want to bring awareness to the hurt that comes with infertility grief. If someone is sharing their news of loss with you, the best thing you can do is to acknowledge their pain, share your love and support for them, offer to pray for them, and just listen or let them know you are there if they want to talk.

Throughout our infertility journey there aren’t many comments we haven’t heard. We’ve experienced everything from “Just hurry up and have kids already!” to “What position I need to be sleeping in to stay pregnant”. Many of these comments have been, unintentionally, very toxic and hurtful.

How Can I Respond to Hurtful Comments around my Infertility:

In these cases we keep several things in mind to protect our hearts and advocate for ourselves:

• They Often Come From A Place of Love: It’s important to remember that our friends and family love us and their intention is not to hurt us. Many of their comments, even the ones that cause pain, are usually coming from a place of deep love and care for us. The advice is offered to us out of care and hope that they can be helpful to our journey of growing our family.

• Always Remember It’s Not Your Fault: It is important to remember that infertility is not your fault. Even though some of the comments I’ve received have made me feel as if I should have done something different or just tried this one simple thing to prevent my miscarriages. I have to keep my heart centered on the Lord and the fact that He is in control. There is nothing I can do or not do to interfere with his will. Children are truly a miracle from God. We can try everything under the sun but He is in control. Our miscarriages and infertility are not our fault.

• Share Your Needs: Our support system loves us and wants to be there for us in our grief. We can communicate with them and let them know what we need. Sometimes we just need prayers. Other times we need someone to listen and acknowledge our pain. Whatever it may be, we can communicate these needs to our family and friends so that they can be there for us. When the advice or hurtful comments start to roll in, we often have to remind others that we could really just use their prayers right now.

• Prayer: I pray for the Lord to soften my heart and help me to be understanding. I pray for the strength to forgive the words that have unintentionally hurt me. I ask for healing and strength in Him. I pray for the courage to advocate for my needs and to share my pain.

It is important to remember that some of our loved ones may be uncomfortable around grief. They may struggle to communicate with us during this time but can still be present in other ways. Let’s find ways to invite them in even when it’s hard to talk about.

If you or someone you know is going through infertility, what are some of the things you have found to be most supportive? Let me know in the comments below.

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